FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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