i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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