Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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