Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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