woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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