all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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