Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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