Don't make out with my wife yet
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
