the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
