Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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