you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
