Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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