ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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