How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
