I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The air taste purple.
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