The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
