Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
