In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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