Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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