i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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