I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
