My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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