Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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