I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
