Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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