I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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