So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
