I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
