There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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