I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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