Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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