OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
