The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we're making bets on your personal life
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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