I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
