Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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