My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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