i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
