God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
