i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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