if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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