i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize