Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
