i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
