I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
