I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He shit in the fireplace
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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