I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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