The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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