She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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