Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
farters have to be the big spoon...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
