I met the friendliest cop last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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