just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
