Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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