Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize