So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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