I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
